I love this icon! *uses it*
So the week from hell wasn't entirely as hellish as I expected. I got four out of the five papers due this week finished (two tonight!) and the fifth one was exteneded til wednesday! That is in the middle of my spring break, but it's preferable to having five papers due in one week. I feel better. Last week I cried in the bathroom to my Mom on the phone about OMGWTF am I gonna doooo??? And... my response to my past self would be, "Hey. You'll do what you can."

I had to drop both fests I was in this Spring, mostly because I thought I'd be able to handle way more than I actually ended up being able to (including a full-time college schedule AND both fests). I don't know what I expected - for myself to just suddenly NOT be a slacker? I don't mean to say that I don't turn in my homework, but I do wait until the night before it's due to start it. I work well under pressure. I concentrate better, I am less prone to letting myself get distracted, as it really is the only time I can do it. It's just... what I do. My thing. It works well. I get A's and B's. Maybe a C here and there. However. When there are 98454 different things ALL due at the same time... this approach doesn't work. And it leads me to have crying fits in the bathrooms. (How like Draco I am...)

I've come to the conclusion that I just don't think I'm a fest person. I'll probably do hols again because I will have one month off of school then, in which I will have nothing to do but be Christmassy and write fanfic. But I never want to have to drop again. Having the realization that you have to drop, let people down, let yourself down, is probably one of the suckiest feelings in the world, and is probably more than half the reason I was so upset at the beginning of the week. I've also got six fics sitting on my desktop, waiting to be written, and I haven't been doing anything with them. I really want to start working on them. Having no time restraint on them is almost unheard of. That's how often I write things that are just MINE, for NO REASON, not because of a fest or an exchange. I want to get those fics out there, and that's what I plan on doing from now on, because I think they've got real potential and I'm excited to see what my fandom thinks. =)

I've been in love with this boy for a very long time now. He's happily in love with his girlfriend, of course. I'm also newly in love with this girl. Really weird awkward circumstances. But she's happily in love with her girlfriend, too. I can't seem to like people who AREN'T already in love. It just doesn't happen. It's like some subconcious prerequisite or something. I'm really sick of it. I'm damn good at loving people. That boy? I'll have loved him for six years this august. SIX. YEARS. I have trouble giving up on dreams, you could say. Maybe it's just that once my heart has an idea of what it wants, it just won't be satisfied with anything else. It's like Anselm's ontological argument, except not with god. Thou that which nothing greater can be conceived. That's what this boy is to me. Wow, what a metaphor. Can you tell that I just wrote a philosophy paper?

I think Imma go to sleep. I get to go home tomorrow =) I'm excited to be back in my city. I plan on spending a lot of time in downtown Chicago. This break is going to be pacifying and full of reflection. I really need it.

P to the S, I'd like to point out that the mark of a really wonderful fic is when I cry during the smut. One that makes me do that goes down in my favorites for all time.